Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
