U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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