Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The adults are the big ones right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
