I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
