I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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