Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
