two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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