I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
