I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
