If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
