All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
