so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
