Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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