cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
