my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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