A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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