you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
