I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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