You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A bitchslap is in order.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
