Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
