I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I FOUND THE LEGS
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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