worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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