From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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