i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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