So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
