I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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