his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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