I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
