No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
