let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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