Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
