he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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