Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
