Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
