I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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