Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
