Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
