My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
