So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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