I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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