you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
