fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
