i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Can I color on your dick again?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
