the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Pooping to opera.
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