Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
