it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I forget how to act sober
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
