She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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