I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
