So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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