hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
