I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
